Domestic Violence

Domestic violence is a pattern of controlling and coercive conduct that serves to deprive victims of safety and autonomy. Perpetrators believe they are entitled to power and control over their partners and perceive all interactions within relationships through a prism of compliance or disobedience. Perpetrators use abusive tactics to reinforce their rules and maintain absolute control over their victims.

Domestic violence is not physical violence alone. Domestic violence is any behavior the purpose of which is to gain power and control over a spouse, partner, girl/boyfriend or intimate family member. Abuse is a learned behavior; it is not caused by anger, mental problems, drugs or alcohol, or other common excuses.
A few of the most common ways abusers control victims

• Isolation
• Emotional abuse
• Using children
• Dominating finances and family resources
• Physical and sexual assault

Who are victims?
Anybody can be a victim — rich or poor, any race, age, or religion. High school drop-out or Ph.D.  Studies have shown no characteristic link between personality type and being a victim.  If you are worried about yourself or a loved one, help is available.

Why does she stay?

The more appropriate question would be: "Why does he abuse her?" or "Why can't he be stopped from hurting his family?"  The question--"Why does she stay," --puts the responsibility back on the victim, and is often followed with the statement, "She must like it."
Women stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. They do not stay because they "want to be abused."
A battered woman may believe:

• His violence is temporary.
• With loyalty and love, she can make him change.
• His promises that it will "never happen again".
• It's her responsibility to keep the family together.
• There will be more good times.

She may tell herself:

• He's had a hard life.
• He needs me.
• All men are violent; it is to be expected.

She may deny or minimize the violence. She may believe her abuser when he tells her that his abuse is "her fault." Many women do not want the relationship to end; they want the violence to end. Fear is a major factor. Many women believe their abusers' threats. She believes he will kill her if she leaves him.

At times, women may leave the relationship. She may return when he begs her to come back, or when she can not find the resources to live on her own. She may return because she loves him. The average battered woman leaves 7 to 8 times before permanently leaving a relationship.

Couples' Counseling does NOT work in violent relationships!
If you are struggling with a relationship, some people may advise you to get marriage counseling, or couples' counseling. While this can be good advice in some relationships, it is NOT good for couples where there is violence. In fact, in many cases, couples' counseling has increased the violence in the home.

To help a friend

• Listen to their story and believe them.
• Hold what you are told in confidence.
• Encourage your friend to think about safety. Help your friend make concrete plans that deal with the most likely "what ifs."

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Who are abusers?

Like victims, domestic violence abusers come from all backgrounds. However, abusers do share some characteristics in that they tend to justify their abusive behaviors, fail to take responsibility for the abuse and use similar tactics to gain and maintain power and control over their partners.
Abusers typically present a different personality outside of their relationship than they do to their intimate partner, which complicates victims' ability to describe their experience and seek assistance.

Abusers may try to manipulate their partners, especially after a violent episode. He may try to "win" her back in some of these ways:

• Invoking sympathy from her, her family and friends.
• Talking about his "difficult childhood".
• Becoming overly charming, reminding her of the good times they've had.
• Bringing romantic gifts, flowers, dinner.
• Crying, begging for forgiveness.
• Promising it will "never happen again."
• Promising to get counseling, to change.

Abuse gets worse and more frequent over time.
In 2010, 55 people died in Washington State as a result of domestic violence. These deaths include domestic violence victims killed by partners and ex-partners; friends, family members and children killed by abusers; and suicide deaths of abusers. 2010 Washington State Fatality Review.

Trust your instincts.
It’s normal to sweep your concerns aside, hope that the fear will pass, and believe that it can’t get worse. Trust your gut. Reach out and talk to someone about what you and your loved ones need most right now.

Your Rights
You have the right to safety, dignity, and liberty. You have the right not be abused physically, sexually, emotionally, or financially. You also have the right to a police response. You have the right to live free of fear and violence.

You are not alone
There is a wide range of normal feelings, experiences, and questions for victims and survivors of sexual and domestic violence. No matter what you’ve been told to the contrary, no one deserves to be abused or assaulted. We know that these concerns can feel overwhelming. And we want you to know that you are not alone


You don't have to be in crisis to call.
24 HOUR CRISIS LINE
360 385-5291

• Call anytime, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
• All services are confidential and free. 
• No one will force you to leave or take legal action.
• Someone is always here to listen.

Register so you can be advised immediately if there is a change in an offender’s custody status, to be notified that a protective order has been served, and to receive a 30-day notice when protective orders are scheduled to expire.

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